Early in our marriage, my wife Cathy and I went for marriage counseling. After spending time with the counselor individually, the three of us came together for our first joint session. Harlan, our counselor, began that session by asking, “Mark, do you know what your worst sin is?”
Feeling like I’d just been sucker punched, I was sure this beginning didn’t bode well for me, but I couldn’t have been more wrong. I mumbled something lame aimed at rendering his verdict as painless as possible and then was simultaneously shocked and relieved by his reply: “Your worst sin is anxiety, and it will kill you if you don’t deal with it.” I was shocked because I felt anxiety barely qualified as a sin if at all, and I was relieved that it wasn’t something far worse.
I had no idea what Harlan was so concerned about. Even if I was given to anxiety, wasn’t it basically harmless? In fact, scripture commands us to give all our anxieties to God, knowing that he cares for us (Phil. 4:6; 1 Pet. 5:7). I had no idea that like a leech, anxiety was sucking the life out of me and profoundly affecting my marriage. I’m so grateful Harlan took the next 6 weeks to help me recognize the anxious thoughts I was blind to and then find release from them. This has made a huge difference in my life.
And if I could break free from my addiction to anxiety, I’m convinced that anyone can. If you struggle with anxiety, following the steps below can restore your peace of mind. These are the steps Harlan walked me through:
- Identify and name your anxious thought. If anxiety has become a way of life for you, as it was for me, you won’t even recognize your anxious thoughts for what they are. I was so unaware of mine that Harlan had me spend a whole week simply identifying 5 anxious thoughts a day. I was like a fish unable to see the water I was swimming in. But as I prayerfully focused on my anxious thoughts, I began to see them everywhere.
- The homework Harlan gave me during my second week included the remaining steps. Having spotted an anxiety, I was to decide if it was productive or unproductive. Productive anxieties are those you can do something about right now. Unproductive anxieties are those you can’t do anything about now. Productive actions can be as simple as making a phone call, making a plan or to-do list, writing yourself a reminder, or putting the item you want to return to the store by the door. If an anxious thought comes to you while driving home, your only productive action might be to pray you’ll remember to take action when you get home. Once you’ve prayed, your anxiety ceases to be productive. Lots of anxieties currently have no productive action.
- Next take whatever action you can: if you can do something productive about your anxiety right now, do it. If the anxious thought continues after you’ve done all you can for now, then it moves over to the category of unproductive anxieties.
- If you can’t do anything productive about your anxiety now, confess it to God as the sin that it is. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Just acknowledge it to God, praying something like this: “Lord, you know how prone I am to anxieties that suck the life out of me. Forgive me, and renew my mind, Lord. Help me to know that you love me and want what’s best for me. I entrust all my cares to you now. Amen.”
- After praying, immediately engage in positive thought replacement. It’s not enough to stop thinking an anxious thought: besides ending a wrong behavior, we need to replace it with right behavior (Eph. 4:22-24). For me, replacing an anxious thought usually means imagining something I enjoy that’s completely unrelated to my anxiety. For example, I imagine going for a hike or doing something else I love to do, seeing someone or something I’d love to see, traveling somewhere I’d love to go. Alternatively, thought replacement could involve reciting Psalm 23 or another faith-building scripture passage.
- If your anxious thought returns, go through steps 1-5 again. Don’t be discouraged no matter how many times you must repeat this. Each time you do it, you invite God to renew your mind, changing you from being an anxious to a faith-filled person (Rom. 12:1-2).
Here are 3 more practical points to consider:
- Since at least 95% percent of the news is negative, it can easily make us anxious. To reduce news-related anxiety, limit your news intake or avoid it altogether.
- Spending time with anxiety-ridden people can add to your anxieties. Be careful not to spend any more time with them than you must.
- Praying panicky prayers may only heighten your anxiety. But prayer is a conversation, not a monolog. So be sure you listen to God and meditate on his love and power.
As our minds are renewed, God transforms us, making us like his Son, who modeled what it means to trust God. I’m so glad our counselor saw how anxiety-addled my brain was and helped me break free from my addiction to such thinking. I’m convinced he not only saved my marriage, but also my life. Relative to my anxious way of thinking, I’ve found Jesus’ way is genuinely easy and his burden light.
He still invites us today:
“Come to me, all you who struggle under a heavy load, and I will give you rest. Put my yoke on your shoulders and learn from me because I’m gentle and humble in heart. And you’ll find the rest of soul you so deeply need. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Matt. 11:28-30)